Linda Takes a Shot at Marriage
by David Satterlee
[Note: Contains regional dialect, immature mature dialog, descriptive violence, and mild profanity.
Dang, when you put it that way, I just want to blush a little bit.]
[For reading theatre with two male voices]
That sure was a fine funeral service.
Yep, a very fine service.
Probably the finest service I’ve been to this year.
You just kinda felt his spirit there.
Well, Bobby always was kind of a lurker.
Mark my words: I figure he’d be keepin to his self in that there coffin.
Becky Sue once tol me she’d see him lurking regular out by her wood pile.
Hell, that weren’t Bobby. That were my cousin Roy.
Sure as I’m pure, white, and proud. Didn’t Roy ever take you out Sue lookin?
No, he never.
Why not? You queer or sumptin and I don’t know it?
You and me’s been huntin regular since we was little. You know I’m no such thing. Don’t be a fool. Besides, I was too ‘fraid of Becky Sue’s Daddy Zeke.
Now you’re the fool. Ever’body knowed that Becky Sue seen we was lookin—an she was showin—Even Daddy Zeke knowed it. But, he got so tired of runnin boys off he never comed out lessen ole Roy got to barkin.
Why was your Cousin Roy barkin?
No, Cousin don’t bark. Daddy Zeke’s hound ole Roy gets to barkin. Course, Roy always took himself some store bought doggie bone biscuits. Ole Roy would see im commin and sneak away from under the house to have them bones, git his ears scratched, and take a nap.
Well, if Daddy Zeke wern’t gunnin for Bobby, how’d he git hisself all shot up?
I been figurin on it and it comes to me that Bobby’s regular girl Linda done him in.
Now how do you reckon that?
You know Old Man Nations what used to be a lawyer?
Yeah, what of it?
Well Nations don’t get out much anymore so he up and gave a sack of his good lawyer clothes to Donnita down at the thrift store. I heard from Donnita that Daddy Zeke got a trousers that he’s been wearing for go to church for weeks, and that Bobby bought himself one too. Bobby told her he was gonna wear it to go propose to Linda to see iffin she would marry him.
That ain’t no sin.
Yeah, but my Roxanne says that Bobby’s Linda has been all upset hearing Becky Sue talking about him bein up at her house, and Linda saw Bobby’s new trousers and thought Becky Sue musta give him one of Daddy Zeke’s.
I don’t see how she come to that thinking, but Linda’s whole family is nuttier than squirrel turds.
Anyhow, this is what I’m guessin. Whoever shot Bobby got him with both barrels through his window and he took the full load in the front of his new fancy trousers and tore em all to hell.
That’s a damn poor aim. Bobby musta taken some time passin on.
Sure enough. The neighbors say he carried on for neigh on half an hour, holding what wasn’t left of, you know, himself, and screamin somethin fierce, and rolling on the floor.
But, wasn’t he gettin set to go propose to Linda?
Yep, Bobby was all set to propose to Linda that same night, but Linda sure nuf didn’t know that.
Anyway, that’s why I figure Bobby was keepin to hisself in that there coffin, him with no trousers or much of anything else, and why they had to just bury him in his shorts.
That sure was a fine service.
Yep, a very fine service.
Copyright 2010, David Satterlee
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